Being Her Mom


Last night Magnolia was up from one am on. She wouldn't sleep any place other than my arms. It brought back memories of our newborn days. The long exhausting nights with the sunrise and coffee bringing just enough energy to carry on, with no hope of sleep in the near future. Those nights and days were exhausting and in some peculiar way I miss them. Today as the sun came up and I poured my cup of coffee I was running on only a few hours of sleep, and I was thankful that we were able to stay in our pajamas all day long. It was just an ordinary day, I did laundry and took care of my babies (Mrs. is a lot like a newborn 😉).


Magnolia was fussy all day because she was running on very little sleep also. She was in my arms most of the day. When I put her down she would soon cry to get my attention and as I'd come for her she'd giggle, smile, and reach out her arms. That delight she expresses in receiving my comfort is such a gift to my heart. I hope she always knows that my love for her will be a place of security & comfort.

Tonight as I was rocking her to sleep my mind started to drift off to last year. She was sound asleep in my arms and instead of rushing to do all that I didn't get to do today or hurry into bed myself, I held her. I held her tight and I rocked her back and forth, back and forth. I studied her face. I traced her lips and her soft eyebrows. I admired the perfection of her lips, the outline so sweet, and how she sucks in the bottom lip when she's sleeping. Her eyelashes are so long like her daddy's, they lay on her rosy cheeks when she is dreaming. I inhale her exhales and it is sweet like sugar air. I touch the dimples in her knuckles and trace the crease in her wrist.

When I first found out I was pregnant it was one of the happiest days of my life. I dreamed of being a mom for as long as I could remember. I thanked God continually for blessing us with a baby, and yet I still worried. I worried about losing her and pregnancy complications. I worried about what I ate, and drank, and breathed, and pretty much everything. A friend told me "welcome to motherhood" because worrying starts now and never stops. That comment actually made me feel better, like it was okay to worry and basically I could stop worrying about worrying because I needed to grow comfortable in it. My doctor said the same thing, he said I'm worried because I'll be a good mom. I learned to pray through my fears. And I accepted the worry for what it was, motherhood!


Tonight as I held her tight and rocked her dreaming soul, the news was playing on the TV in the other room. In my moment of bliss as I studied my sleeping baby, I reflected on all the blessings and worries and sleepless nights that brought us to this very moment. I was overcome with new worries. I looked at her innocence and I began to wonder what pain she'll witness and experience in this world. Why is our nation going backwards? Why are the words Nazi and Klu Klux Klan being spoke about in present tense on our TV? Why? I do not understand it and my heart is aching for this nation. I didn't think that Magnolia would be exposed to this type of hatred in our country. I truly believed that we would be way past these issues by now. I want to protect her from this hate for as long as I can.

When I lay down in bed next to her tonight I will pray that God blesses our nation with a love and innocence as pure as our babies.

XO
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Wendy Correen Smith
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