Well Mom, it's just YOU & ME now!

The other day my sister texted & reminded me of a story I cannot believe I forgot to write down. 

It was the Sunday before St. Patrick's Day. Ryan left for a work trip. Magnolia & I had my mom, sisters, and cousins over to our house. We had a little impromptu St. Patty's Day Heavenly birthday party for our grandma nanny in Heaven. The kids all wore their matching green lucky charm t-shirts, they ate cupcakes, and danced the afternoon away. Nothing lights up Magnolia's world more than playdates with her sweet cousins. As the fun day came to an end and dinner was approaching my mom decided to head home. Then my sister Haley & her girls left. Mallory & her babes stayed a little longer so the kids could play and we could chat. When it was time for them to head home, we walked them to the door & watched them load up the car. Magnolia & I were standing on the front porch. She took her little hands & put them on her hips and cheerfully said "Well Mom, it's just YOU & ME now!" She said it in a way that I knew she was looking forward to going back in the house & hanging with just me. I'm tearing up as I type this because in that very moment I was washed over with joy & peace. And a huge sense of relief. I cannot tell you how often I worry about her being lonely because she is an only child. All I know about siblings is that my sisters are my best friends. I cannot imagine life without them. I always felt we needed to give Magnolia that same blessing. 

If you've read my blog long enough you know we did IVF to have Magnolia. I shared this post when she was nine months old about our thoughts on more babies. Three months after I wrote that post I miraculously got pregnant naturally. We didn't even think it was possible & then it happened. Sadly at ten weeks we lost that little angel baby. And then we had another miscarriage a little over a year ago, right before COVID happened. We decided to stop trying during that time, there were too many uncertainties about life in general & the thought of doctor's appointments alone was too much for me to think about. After infertility treatments & then miscarriages a lot of women suffer from anxiety with anything medical related, and I certainly did. 

I've prayed many days & many nights about our family & children. I had a change of heart during the lockdown when my world shifted from wanting more to being so incredibly grateful for our life just as it is. Ryan & I try to fill Magnolia's world with as much joy as we possibly can. She has our undivided attention at all times. We feel like we can give her the world & while that will never makeup for a sibling we pray that her life is just as blessed. I've never felt happier in my life than I do right now. And while Ryan & I are happy with our family unit as it is, I still spend time wondering about hers. So when she said,"Well Mom, it's just YOU & ME now!" I knew we were on the same page. 

Magnolia's cousins are her best friends & I know she'll grow up thinking of Mylene, Addy, Lucca & Isla as her sisters and her Ollie-Wallie as her irish-twin brother. Their bond is a tight one & I'm so very grateful for their relationships. As for us, we are blessed & we are happy! I've learned over the years that hearts change & the path of life that God is working out for the best for each us is all unknowing. It could change again. Who knows, none of us really now. Being in a place of peace & trust is the absolute best. I don't think I could ever type the words "we are done" or "we don't want anymore kids." I'm turning 40 next month so you'd think it'd be easy to say, but I think after all we've been through I can't close my heart to the thought for good. I can say, however, that I am so incredibly happy with just the three of us. And if we don't have anymore babies than my heart will be just as full as it was the day our Magnolia came into the world. She is our greatest blessing, always & forever. 

Placing our trust in the Lord above & giving thanks always. xo