Today, as I promised in a older post, I'm sharing a prayer (or some version of) that I've said each day since I found out we are pregnant. I had a science teacher in high school that had us say one of his favorite quotes every morning, "ignorance is NOT bliss!" He literally burnt his opinion into his students' minds. Of course I agree with him to certain extent. Pregnancy is a true miracle. Sometimes I wonder if I know too much about all that can go wrong when trying to conceive and during pregnancy. Our journey to parenthood was very "medical!" I already knew quite a bit about conception and pregnancy before we started to see our Reproductive Endocrinologist, but let me tell you I learned way more from hands-on experience than I ever dreamed possible. I also have this wonderful group of Trying To Conceive (TTC) Sisters that I've got to know on Instagram through this journey. I've virtually experienced their lives with infertility and loss, as well. The friendships and connections I've formed have been amazing and they have truly lifted me up and made me feel like I'm not alone. I'll always be grateful to them, and all the women that openly share their vulnerable stories. Ignorance is not bliss, but over awareness of all that can go wrong with conception and pregnancy is not bliss either. Statistics can swim in your mind. Risks can steal your joy. Worry can rob you from the blissful experience of the beautiful life growing inside of you.
After becoming pregnant a new battle started in my heart. A battle of worry and fear. I'm not saying my heart and soul was not full of joy and gratitude, it was very much so. What I'm sharing today is that I had to faithfully and consciously work each day to keep the worry and fear at bay. I had to be very aware of my internal conversations because I saw the risk of awareness potentially stealing my joy. Ironically, awareness is what I've been preaching for sometime, and I still whole heartedly believe in awareness. With awareness you must have faith and hope, otherwise you'll drown. I had to disconnect from a lot of my TTC sister's who were sharing detailed medical experiences. I had to allow myself only a small amount of time each day to process the fears that were coming to my mind. When I talked to Ryan or my sisters about my worries, they were great about shutting me up, and I worked hard to only focus on the beauty of it all. With each milestone I celebrate, but I'm also aware of what risks come with each milestone. I have gotten much better, but I still "know."
Pregnancy is a miracle. A true miracle. Finding out we were pregnant was one of the best days of my life. We knew it was God's work. Working to move my knowledge to faith has helped me push worry and fear away, and allowed me to love this beautiful and miraculous pregnancy.
This particular pregnancy devotional, from 280 Days of Prayer and Inspiration, helped me so much.
Faith Not Seen
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Do you feel pregnant? Though you can't see the baby, you know he's there. You are confident that a little life is growing and developing deep inside your belly. You have some evidence of that truth. Your own body's physical symptoms such as morning sickness or fatigue promote a feeling of certainty, little reminders that your baby is growing, even though you can't see him with your own eyes. Perhaps you've even been able to detect the sound of a heartbeat with a Doppler monitor.
Isn't that the way God works? Though we can't see him, he is always at work. We can't audibly hear his voice, but we can hear him speaking to us through his Word, the Bible, and we can sense his message for us through the teachings of preachers and teachers. Though he may not physically wrap his arms around us, he blesses us with sisters, friends, and a husband who can. Thank you, God, for even on the days when we don't feel you or see you, you are still there.
This is the prayer by Nancy Campbell that I say each day, in some form or another. I'm almost 15 weeks pregnant now so I've memorized this prayer and I say it in different ways now. It's perfect.
"Father, I thank You for filling my womb with life. I know this precious little baby comes from You and has been destined by You from the beginning of the world. I thank You for this miracle growing inside me, in the "secret place" of my womb. I thank you that You are giving this little baby to us as a gift, but also as a gift for the world. We can't wait to see another image of Yourself come forth into this world and the plans You have for this child.
We ask you, Father, in Jesus' name, to hedge our little baby about with Your mighty protection. Watch over this little one each day as You intricately create him/her in the hidden sanctuary of the womb. We ask for Your divine health and that you will sustain me in good health and vitality throughout this whole pregnancy.
I ask that You will fill me with Your joy and that everyone will see the glory of God upon me as I nurture this precious life within me. Thank You again for this amazing miracle and for giving us an eternal soul that will live forever. It is awesome to think that I am part of something eternal.
I pray that You will keep this baby growing in the womb until FULL TERM and this baby will come forth in Your perfect timing.
In Jesus' name. Amen."
Before I end this post I have one more story to share. For a couple that dreams of having a family, there are certain days of the year that intensify the dream that is yet-to-be, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Baby Showers. This past Mother's Day I was gearing up for our IVF transfer and Ryan just happened to have a business trip that required him to leave on a Sunday, very unusual for him. The TTC sisters put together a Mother's Day gift exchange. I decided to participate, knowing it'd be a tough day and Ryan would be gone. I thought it'd be a great way to stay positive on this day and meet someone new. I was matched up with a lady and we casually got to know each other through messages and we both sent one another a small gift for Mother's Day. We both knew that we had an IVF transfer coming up, but we didn't talk specifics, only said prayers for one another. After Mother's Day we didn't talk much anymore, although we would see one another's photos and posts on Instagram. She'd come to my mind now and again, and I wondered how she was doing. I never saw anything on Instagram about her transfer and no baby news. After I posted our Baby Announcement I received a direct message from her. She said she had some news for me too. Not only was she pregnant also, but we had the exact same due date!!! I immediately burst into the happiest tears. What were the odds of that happening? How did I get matched up with this lady that after so many years of trying to get pregnant ended up getting pregnant at the exact same moment in time as me!? This is just another story about God's work in our lives. I truly believe that everyone we meet is brought into our lives for a reason.
It's not your imagination, sometimes a 'coincidence' comes with a lot of angelic effort. - Author Unknown
With lots of love xo
Wen
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