My Life Before My Everything

I've wanted to write about this for a long time now. Yet, I've always found other things to share and I've pushed this topic to the back burner. I want to talk about faith and my relationship with God, and when it all began for me. I know why I've put this topic off. I've put it off because I don't feel like I have the expertise or religious education to be worthy of such a topic. Who am I to write about religion and God? I cannot even recite a verse from the bible and I don't know biblical stories. I wasn't raised in church. And I haven't been baptized. If someone asked me to say a prayer out loud in front of a group of people I'd probably freeze up and not know what to say. I know deep down that is not the way to think about it, and because of my relationship with God, I realize that we are all worthy to share our story and relationship with God.


There was a block of time when I didn't have much of a relationship with God. I only prayed when things were really really bad. During this time I thought I was able to control my life and I felt like I had everything nicely under control. I was blind to the chaos in my life. Fear and worry were a constant for me, but if you asked me if I was happy I would've said "yes!" I thought I was, despite the constant pain I was living. Now looking back I can see it all clearly.

I've only wrote about this once before; my divorce. I was in a very unhealthy - toxic marriage - just three years ago. I hid a lot of pain from so many people for years. When the divorce began my entire life, as I knew it, was over. I didn't just get divorced from my ex, I also sold my house, and the company that we ran was closed. I was literally left with only half of my possessions and my sweet chihuahua. I can still remember the emptiness I felt inside when it all started to fall apart. I felt alone like I'd never felt before. All of my friends and family were continuing on with their lives and their families, and there I was that summer with nothing. Absolutely nothing. My work and the company was my passion and joy, and that was ending too. That summer I hit rock bottom, as you often hear people talk about. For the first time in my life I was living the idiom.

With all the pain and emptiness I literally fell to my knees. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. For months I was in my house all alone, with hot tears burning my face, and it felt as though bricks were piled high on my chest. That's when I started to talk to God. Every morning I would wake up with anxiety and worry, dreading the day. I would put on my tennis shoes and walking clothes, walk out the front door and enjoy nature and start praying with my eyes wide open. I cannot tell you exactly when my pain and worry turned to faith and hope, but it did. I started to believe that things were going to work out and I started to feel the warmth of God comforting me. All the emptiness in my soul started to fill up with dreams and excitement for a new beginning. I had no idea how it was all going to work out, and that was the hardest part for me. I had lived for many years thinking I had everything under control and then all of sudden I realized I had no control over anything that was happening. I didn't know how my life was going to look even a month ahead. I knew God had a plan for my pain, and I started to live each day with a new faith and love that I had never experienced before. I went out and bought a bible and I listened to this song on repeat. That song still brings me the deepest comfort.

I knew what I dreamed my life to be. I dreamed of a loving and kind husband. I wanted a Godly man that I could trust with my heart and soul. I wanted to be married to a man that I could call my best friend. I wanted a happy family. A simple dream, but one that seemed very distant to me at the time. To be a mom was my biggest dream, one that I had for as long as I could remember. How did my life get off course, this far off the path I'd dreamed about my entire life? I questioned all of this. And I knew, I knew it was because I didn't have God in my life. I thought I was the one in control.

That summer my life was turned upside down and the divorce began, the house was put on the market, and the company projects were ending. I turned to God. I prayed constantly. I asked God for a family. How dare I ask for all of that? How could I ask for so much during such a traumatic time? I was bold with my prayers. I was brave enough to ask God for a loving family, although I felt all alone at the time. I struggled with the thought that I needed to make all of my dreams come true. I quickly learned that faith is letting go and simply trusting. It wasn't my job to make it all happen. I had to lean into God and let him work out the details. The timing of it all was not in my hands.

I will walk by faith even when I cannot see.                          2 Corinthians 5:7

Three years ago on a warm summer night I went out with my best friend and I met Ryan. I had no idea he'd be the answer to all my prayers. It didn't take long for me to see that he was a loving and kind man. I soon learned he was a Godly man that I could trust with my heart and soul. He became my best friend. He was all that I prayed for and so much more. When we met our love and connection for one another was natural, it was as if we were made for one another. It was like I had known him all my life, and I was longing for him since the day I was born.

He makes me a better person. His faith and kindness, his tender heart, he inspires me each day.


Those days three years ago, when I was on my knees praying to God, are still apart of me. I still remember who I was before. There are days when I wake up and feel like this is all a dream. I woke up this morning before Magnolia and the sun was rising with a thunderstorm on the horizon. It was breathtakingly beautiful in our home with the wild glow of the new sun. I prayed and I thanked God, as I do each morning and afternoon and night. This morning was different though, I felt a need to share about the days before now. I feel very blessed to be living my dream with a loving husband and a beautiful baby girl, and I know to never take this simple life for granted. I know to cherish every single moment of it because there was a time when this life seemed like a very distant longing. There was a time when I didn't think I'd get to have this life.

God heard my prayers. I had turned my back on his love for years, all the while thinking I had it all under control. Then when the life I had built without him fell apart, he was there to hear my prayers and to save me from the disaster I had created.

After Ryan and I were married we found out that becoming parents would come with challenges. IVF was our doctor's recommendation. I've shared most of that journey here. We felt God's grace throughout the process and we had our fair share of fears and worries, but faith and prayer got us through it.


I'm sharing all of this because I feel incredibly blessed. I feel blessed for my family and the joy that fills my days. Life comes with suffering and heartache, hard paths and regrets. I realize that there are seasons of joy and pain. I wake up each day and cherish every single moment, and I do believe it's because I know what it is like to live without God and without the comfort of his love and grace. I still have worries, anxieties, and fears, just like anyone else, but now I can turn to prayer and faith to bring me comfort. I trust in God to handle it.