It's raining outside and I can hear thunder in the distance. I have quiet time at home to reflect on life. I could hurry about my evening to work on our wedding, but tonight, instead I want to take a moment to think about my grandma who passed away two days after I wrote this post about her.
I shared this photo on Instagram a few days after she passed. With this caption:
The car was loaded, the pup was with Ry's parents, we picked up our Starbucks and we were headed to Nashville to celebrate his birthday! Then I got the phone call that grandma wasn't going to be with us much longer. Due to certain events leading up to that morning, we were behind schedule and only ten minutes from grandma. There is no doubt in my heart, God had his hand in orchestrating the entire day. My birthday boy has been wiping my tears and comforting my broken heart all weekend long. He's reminded me over and over that I'm being strong, even when I feel weak. His support has kept me calm, and with the passing hours, since watching my grandma take her last breath I've felt more and more at peace. The calm has allowed me to feel her loving presence. I continue to thank God that I was in town and by my Grandma's side before she went to Heaven. My birthday boy proves his love to me everyday, and this weekend he's been my rock and strength, and I hope he knows every single day how very much I love him! This year as we celebrate his life we have a brand new angel with us!
The morning of July 17th was an exciting one, Ryan and I were headed to Nashville to dance the weekend away and celebrate his birthday. There was a little piece of me that was worried about leaving town because I knew my grandma was being watched closely for a cold that was causing the hospice nurses concern. After we dropped Mrs. off with Ryan's parents, we were only ten minutes from Lee's Summit when I got the dreaded phone call. Ryan and I hurried to her side and when I got there I knew it was the last day I'd feel her touch. She was not awake, but she knew I was with her. She was able to raise her eyebrows and squeeze my hand. Ryan stepped outside for a moment and insisted that I say my last words to her before everyone else got there. Nothing in life can prepare you for that moment when you have to come up with your last words. I did have a few special things I needed her to know and a few requests for her when she gets to Heaven. I reassured her that the rest of the family was coming and not to be scared.
Everyday since then I've thought about God's timing. I was not supposed to be in town. I keep thinking about how things would have been different had I been in Nashville or California (our original plan) when I got that phone call.
My grandma did not pass until everyone that was planning to get there arrived, with the exception of my aunt and uncle that were hours away in Texas. My little brother was the last person to arrive and very soon after he got there she took her last breath with each of her loved ones by her side. She waited for all of us to be there and it warms my heart.
She passed at 1:15 in the afternoon and there was a peace in the room that cannot be explained. It was almost like her soul was still in the room with us and able to give us comfort as we looked at her body.
All of our family is handling her passing different, which I'm sure is normal for everyone. For me, I feel like it hit me like a ton of bricks at first. I cried for at least 48 hours straight with snot running down my face and puffy eyes that were hard to keep open. There was a moment when I calmed down and memories of how she gracefully handled my papa's passing came rushing to me. She lost the love of her life, and managed to mourn his passing with strength and grace. She's always been my inspiration, and those memories of her faith helped me to snap out of my deepest of pain.
One afternoon I was busy working and forgot about her passing for only a moment, I had the thought that happened to me every week "I'm going to go see grandma tonight" enter my mind as quickly as I had to stop it. Visiting her had become a part of my weekly routine, and to just all of sudden stop has been difficult. I miss her touch, and smell, and her sweet loving voice. I miss telling her good night and hearing her tell me to be careful and to hurry home for dinner. I just miss her.
As much as I miss her, I can still feel her presence with me. I have her photo on my dresser and I see her face and feel her warmth each day.
An Instagram photo of my niece Adalyn,
She saw all of her family shedding tears over the last few days. She even cried some, although she didn’t know exactly why. Yesterday she rode her tricycle around the house and she sang me a song that went “tell me about your wor-ries!” I said “do you want me to tell you about my worries?” to which she replied “NO, it’s JUST a song” as if I should already know that. I asked where she heard it, and she proudly told me she made it up. It’s only fitting for this time of our lives. Then before she went swimming she danced and jumped around with her pure and innocent heart. I realized in that moment, that life goes on, little girls still dance for no reason at all, the butterflies still float in the air, fluffy white clouds still decorate the bluest of skies. I also came to realize the way I miss Grandma right now, will most likely be the way I miss her forever. I’m going to grow comfortable with the piece of my heart that went to Heaven with her on Friday. And I will spend each day of my life looking for little slices of Heaven here on earth. She is our angel and she will continue to bring joy into our lives, as all of our angels do, if we can simply see.
Now, instead of being sad as I miss my grandma, I try to make a conscious effort to live each day to the fullest all the while paying attention for the little glimpses of Heaven here on earth --- it's so easy to miss the little miracles of life as we hurry through it.
After my grandpa passed away, my grandma and I would listen to this song on the way to the grocery store. We had the nursing home chaplain sing this song, with her beautiful voice, before grandma passed. I could see grandma's eye brows moving as she sang, and I know it brought her peace and comfort in her last hours with us.
xo
Wen
