I'm the type of person that prefers to share my life from a joyful perspective. I greatly struggle with sharing anything negative, anything that may make me look weak, or anything that would imply that I don't have my sh*t together. I had written a really long post on December 16th, exactly one month after my laparoscopy and I didn't have the courage to share it. It was a dark piece of my soul. I had written thoughts that involved every negative emotion in the book - sadness, fear, worry, anxiety, resentment, jealousy, confusion, obsession, etc. I shared the truth that I wanted to skip Thanksgiving. This article, The Silent Hell of Infertility During the Holidays, was posted on my doctor's FB page and it pretty much sums up the way I felt at the dinner table on Thanksgiving. My sister is pregnant. She got pregnant on her first month of trying (for the second time) and she had her gender reveal in December. I woke up crying the morning of the reveal. I DID NOT WANT TO GO! I really didn't think I could get through the day. I cannot believe I'm sharing this truth, but it was my reality, and I realize that was a really crappy attitude. I was jealous and resentful. That day when I was grieving the babies we don't have yet, I was being a person I didn't want to be. I was acting in a way I knew was wrong, but I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't snap out of it. I knew I should feel happy and excited for my sister, and for some reason I just couldn't get past my own issues. Clearly, I'm only sharing this now because we've since had a heart-to-heart and I shared my "issues" with her and we cried and we opened up with one another. She understands in the best way that she can, and the simple honesty and sharing of my dilemma helped me move past all those bad feelings.
I know this journey to Baby Smith will be full of many valuable life lessons. I know that God wouldn't put such a deep desire to be a mother in my heart if I weren't destined to have babies. I know that one day Ryan and I will be parents. I don't know how long the road will be to our babies. I don't know what lessons are in store for us. All I know is that I'm going to consciously go through this process. I'm going to share our story. I'm going to be open and honest. I'm going to pray constantly. Even during my darkest days after the surgery I prayed a lot. I know that is how I got to where I'm at today. I'm feeling strong, hopeful, grateful, and full of faith.
From November 16th to Christmas Eve* I was depressed. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on with me, I put on a happy face when I had to, and I shut myself off from the world. During that time period Ryan was my rock. This was definitely not our idea of wedded bliss, but that's what was going on in our newlywed home. His support, tenderness, and compassion, during all of this has definitely brought us closer together - more than I could have ever imagined. I already knew I had one AMAZING man, but this man of mine was by my side with every tear that fell. One night he sat next to me on the bed as the tears were falling, and he told me to make sure I remember this moment. He told me to embed this memory in my soul, because when I'm finally holding our miracle the intensity of the love will only be multiplied by this struggle. The next morning after that conversation I wrote letters to our babies, whom already have names. To say I'm going to cherish this pain sounds very ironic, but in some crazy way, we are going to embrace this journey to our miracle babies and once we have them they will know everyday what a true miracle they are to us and this world.
*Something happened within myself after Christmas Eve Mass. Up until Christmas I had cried every single day. On Christmas Eve morning I remember having one really good cry. I was sad that we didn't have a baby on the way. I was dreaming of the Christmas Eve when we could bake cookies and decorate them with our little tots in their pjs. Then the grieving and fear of what wasn't took over and I had a little melt down. We went to midnight mass and came home to bed. I woke up on Christmas in very good spirits. We had a great Christmas. Then I had an amazing dream, where my Grandma came to visit me, and I do believe she sent me a message on Christmas night. I'll share it when the time is right, but something happened after the dream that helped me put the pieces of the dream together. I love my angel in Heaven and God is good!
Thank you for reading about our journey to Baby Smith. Thank you for your prayers.
With love xo
Wen and Ry
Just a little humor for the day here.
This made me tear up :( Praying hard for you guys!
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